take my jacket

Ladies, we have a real problem. It’s our clothing. And, in particular, it’s the clothing we wear to church.

I get that there are certain kinds of clothes that make us feel better about ourselves, that give us a waist, that show off our curves, that make us feel feminine and confident.

But despite what the culture told you, it’s actually not all about you. There’s these other people in the world (they’re called men), and often times, the clothes we wear doesn’t exactly help them focus. That’s not helpful. In fact, it’s so not helpful, it’s hurtful.

The problem is exacerbated when we show up to church in clothes we shouldn’t. I’m not recommending women button up like we’re Amish or start wearing floor-length jean skirts. That’s not feminine either. But if your skirt is so short that it reveals your gender when you sit down, honey, it’s too short.

And think about your pastor. Young ladies, how’s he supposed to be preaching God’s Word to you when your skirt is so tight you can read its size on the label?

Or nursing moms? Please cover up. No pastor needs to turn around and see you adjusting all your feminine glory for your child. (And honestly, I don’t want to see it either.)

Or middle aged ladies? Put a tank-top on under that blouse. Your pastor has to bend over to give you Holy Communion, and he’s got enough on his mind to not have to deal with seeing all your girl bits too.

Dressing modestly isn’t the same as dressing like a frump from the 1980s. This doesn’t mean that you can’t feel good or look feminine or have a figure.  You don’t have to wear a burqua, and you should never, under any circumstance, take to wearing oversized, lumpy sweaters that make you look like a dude.

You don’t have wear long dresses Little-House-on-the-Prairie style. It doesn’t mean you can’t go to the swimming pool. It simply means that you don’t have to let all the parts of you that are uniquely feminine cease to be un-unique by showing them . . . constantly . . . to the whole world.

Besides, covering up a bit adds some mystique. Turns out you actually don’t have to give everything away in a guy’s first glance at you.

Lutheran ladies, we can get ourselves back out of this mess. We can work on our wardrobes and choose to wear things, especially to church, more suited to being in the presence of the God of creation who comes to meet us there. And we can choose to think more of our neighbor, of our pastors, of the guys we interact with than we do of ourselves, and then dress in a way that bears witness to the beautiful creations God made us to be.

Deal?

Deal.

Let’s get to it.

51 thoughts on “take my jacket

  1. If you can read the size label on my skirt, it’s not that my skirt is too tight, it’s that you’re too close.

  2. Yup. Can’t stand ’em. Those pubescent tramps, those fat lactating cows, those old bags… Why can’t everyone in the LC-MS be androgynous, single, and super-spiritual like me?

  3. Thank you so much for this article. You certainly touched the 3rd rail and I know it is one of the most controversial topics of today.

    I’m disappointed that so many people have thrown out the “judging” card, as if Christians should live without discernment. Do we not judge when we say that those who deny the deity of Christ are not Christians? Do we not judge when we keep our children away from a known predator? Since the scriptures teach us to be modest, is is unlawful for us to define modesty? No, it isn’t.

    It is not judging to teach modesty. It is a virtue. I think we’ve forgotten our reformation roots. Are there any pictures or paintings of Lutheran women at the beginning of the reformation that demonstrate the immodesty we see today? I’ve never seen any.

    There is one point in your article where I disagree. Modesty is not only necessary in the Church, but also at the beach (I hear the gasps already).

    If anybody doubts that modesty is a serious problem, just visit the Facebook pages of your friends and relatives. You won’t look very long before you find gross abuses of modesty among Christians. Modesty in men is also a virtue.

    May God restore purity of the churches.

  4. Thank you, Adriane, for “stirring” things up a bit on this topic. It’s a “hot button” issue that we discuss during Titus 2 for Life Retreats (www.titus2-4life.org). It helps to get our identity straight. Do we define ourselves as the world does: “sensual” and “sexy;” therefore, “my body, my choice?” Or, do we define ourselves as God does in Christ: “holy” women who “help” ourselves and our neighbor (men) by not being a “temptress?” Feminists don’t like being called “helpers,” but this noble vocation can affect not just the present culture, but generations. By divine design, we are “helpers” (ezers) who either help tear down, or build up; raise, or lower the standard; call attention to the Creator, or to the created. It helps to remember, too, why God made clothes. He covered Adam and Eve’s new emotion of embarrassment with a “coat” of clothing. Fig leaves weren’t enough. He covered their new emotion of shame with the promise of Christ’s Robe of Righteousness.

    If anyone is looking for a Bible study, may I suggest “Dressing for Life: Secrets of the Great Cover-up?” I was encouraged to write this ten-lesson study for girls and their moms while taking the modesty lifestyle show (by the same title) on the road. The study can be used in the home, at a confirmation retreat, or a mother-daughter weekend. It’s also been used at a volleyball camp. DFL can be ordered in a PDF format from http://www.lutheransforlife.org or http://www.cph.org (#LFLDFLWEB) A description of the study can be found at http://www.ezerwoman.wordpress.com Thanks, Adriane, for daring to be distinctively different for His glory, not your own.

  5. So, lets say that a woman has dressed “appropriately” – feminine, yet modest – and she still “distracts” male parishioners. Is she still at “fault”? Or would the advice be to invest in burlap bags and overcoats? Where is the magical spiritual line where sin is doled out? I am not trying to be simple, but when women are there, men tend to be distracted no matter what they wear. Separate services is probably the way to go.

  6. To Tammy H, I adamantly disagree with your equating modesty to hygene, style, or wealth; it’s an entirely separate issue. To be absolutely frank, showing skin &/or wearing skin-tight clothing is intentionally sensual. Those who would say it’s just “his problem” are willfully ignoring the reality of what goes on in a man’s mind.

    If I look like a muscle-bound Fabio and walk into church wearing a tank top, can I realistically say, “Gee, I wonder why all those women all went crazy?”.

    I believe Paul sums up Christian liberty quite well in 1 Corinthians 8, “But take care that this right of yours does not somehow become a stumbling block to the weak”

  7. The comment on breastfeeding mothers brings to mind the fact that we, as parents, ought to teach our daughters AND sons that the number one purpose of breasts is to feed a baby! They are not intended to be displayed indecently by the owners OR objectified by the opposite sex. Just curious if the author has ever breastfed a baby, because while most mothers do try to be discreet, sometimes that is not an easy task, and I think the comments on that issue are a bit of a rant. New moms need all the support they can get, and honestly, I don’t think they need to waste their time worrying about those who might be embarrassed by breastfeeding.

    I feel that personally, as a woman, that I dress trendy but appropriately, and I can do so without wearing short skirts or low cut blouses. I don’t have daughters, so I’m not going to comment on how I would have them dress, but I am fairly certain that I would prefer cute clothing that’s more classy than trashy, and I also expect we would have a few battles over the clothing issue. For my sons, it’s not much of an issue, but I don’t see any reason for them to wear ripped out jeans or t-shirts with obnoxious messages to worship. There’s a certain amount of reverance that we can to teach to both sexes when it comes to dress.

    However, for my sons, it’s a priority for me to teach them that no matter what a girl wears, they are still responsible for their thoughts and actions. Everyone is tempted by something. If the minds of my sons are tempted to wander someday because of a girl, regardless of her outfit, aren’t my sons partly responsible for not keeping their thoughts and actions in check? It’s a two way street, and fashion is not totally to blame. Do you really think that if all women and girls dressed by code that the thoughts of all men and boys will be pure? I really doubt it!

    Overall, we should be more pleased that people are in God’s house, and less worried about being fashion police. I think the “joint proclamation” suggestion is ridiculous – sorry – while wearing sexy clothing to church is wrong in my mind and in the minds of many others – I think it’s also wrong to spend so much time judging others and their clothes. I try to dress attractively and appropriately, but what other people choose for attire is a minor issue for me. I do my best to fix my eyes on Jesus, and shouldn’t we all?

  8. Let’s get practical and specific. Can you list some Web sites where modest, becoming clothing can be found? I am thinking of mid-calf length skirts that are graceful, preferably with pockets. It really is not difficult to find tops and blouses that are modest. Women simply need to be encouraged to choose them.

    What about shoe styles? Are there styles of shoes that you consider provocative?

    1. Lands End has been very good for finding clothes for my daughters, and they often have 20-30% off sales. They do carry a lot of modest ladies clothing. (I am pretty frugal these days, because with lots of little ones using me for a napkin/tissue/etc. I am hesitant to get “nice” things that need to last a long time.)

  9. “…women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire” (1 Tim. 2:9).

    It seems to me that anyone who objects to Adriane’s attempt to apply this verse to our hyper-sexualized modern age of tank tops and mini-skirts doesn’t have a problem with Adriane or what she said, but rather with God and what He said.

  10. I didn’t much care for this article. As for the father dealing with his daughters … we must remember that it is HIS vocation to deal with it, not ours. A modestly dressed beautiful woman is just as much a distraction as an unattractive woman who is revealing too much cleavage. A person wearing too much cologne, odd clothing, unkept hair, chomping on gum, rowdy children etc. are all distractions. It is not our vocation to sanitize the Divine Service and I hurt for those who feel the need to publicly single out those whom they find offensive – because when it comes down to it, when we are offended or distracted … then that is OUR sin.

    The balance in this piece should come with teaching reverence within Divine Service. Teaching that reverence is about how we conduct and present ourselves, and that our own reverence for the Service is also shown in how we love our neighbor whose faith may not convict them to dress in a more modest/formal/matching/hygienic etc. way. Our reverence for the Divine Service is also in our attitude with our neighbor who may not have better taste in clothing, who may not have enough money to purchase the clothes to fit their ever changing body as quickly as you would like, whose faith doesn’t convict them that their clothes are too revealing etc.

    Divine Service is about receiving the Word of God, at its core it is all about Salvation … so the person who offends you deserves the right to receive that Word just as much as you and you WILL be distracted by something or someone at sometime during the service … that is the nature of our sin.

    1. Tammy – I agree that we should not judge others when we do not know their situation in life. I had a friend who told a story about a woman who sang a solo at her church. She was dressed in a tight blouse and mini skirt, and my friend was offended. Turns out the woman was a new believer and had never really gone to church and didn’t understand that she was dressed inappropriately. When she figured it out, she started wearing modest clothes and made that part of her testimony. (Got to love the Evangelicals!) My friend felt convicted for having judged her harshly and now thinks twice before judging. That is a good thing, and I get that.

      What I don’t get are the 16-year-old girls who were baptized, confirmed and raised in the church suddenly showing up one day in layered spaghetti strap camisoles with their bra straps hanging out and a skirt 6 inches above their knees, thinking they are “dressed for church” and the parents who allow them to leave the house dressed that way. The camisoles being $30 a piece at Abercrombie tells me that money is not an issue. In my not-so-humble opinion, the issue is parents who want to be their child’s friend and not their parent. To those mothers I have this to say, “Get over it, and make your daughter put on some decent clothes!” There are some Sundays I brace myself when the teenage girls go up for communion. I’m afraid of what I will see.

      I have two girls, ages 8 and 5, and I make sure they wear shorts, leggings or tights under their skirts every Sunday, not because I think someone would be looking or they would be causing someone to sin, but because I think kneeling at the communion rail with your panties showing is inappropriate at ANY age. I also have an 11-year-old son and in a few years those half-dressed teenage girls are going to become a HUGE stumbling block. Hmmm, maybe I should start checking out the local Mennonite church now…

      (FYI Tammy, please don’t think the rant about the teenage girls was directed towards you. It was not. It’s been building up for a long time.)

      1. Lori,
        I have 8 sons and a 6yr old daughter. In my own personal evolution of parenting (which is constantly growing), I’ve come to understand that that singling out one over the other doesn’t teach as much as it creates animosity. Your piece created a lot of tension because you as a woman took other women and dissected them leaving out the balance of the Gospel. What you touched on was the issue of reverence and aimed your piece at women. Like I stated earlier, there are a lot of other people and things that are just as bad and irreverent going on during worship. What distracts us is not so much their sin but ours. If the woman in front of me is wearing an incredibly loud orange blouse and I feel distracted by it, then that is not her fault as much as it is mine. Now … if she were to wear it often I might attempt to bring it up in hopes to have a mature discussion about it. If she was a mature Christian, she would view it as her privileged to help her neighbor out showing Christian charity and love by possibly putting a shawl on top or something.

        Yet with that said and taking from what you wrote about the teenage girls. It really isn’t the spiritual condition of the 16yr old that is the issue. What you’re having a problem with is two fold.

        1) The spiritual condition of the family whose faith doesn’t convict them that their little girl’s choice of clothing is a problem.
        2) The parenting style of said parents.

        Addressing the first issue takes us back to our own personal and spiritual maturity. How we handle ourselves with those who offend our own personal standards during worship is just as much a reverence issue as the parents who allow their young daughter to leave the house looking like that. Instead of going negative, feeling frustrated by what seems to be their “lack of reverence” for the Divine Service. Maybe we could put a better construction on the family and for one … be happy that they are attending the service (which is rare for many teenagers) and two … pray for their growth and understanding as well as our own growth and understanding in dealing with those whose outward appearance or attitude offends us.

        The second issue, parenting style is HUGE. I personally began my parenting style as one that was very rigid thinking that if I just set up these boundaries then my kids will learn the right way to go and not struggle with so many deviant leanings. What I have learned is that once the child is on their own, they will test the other routes in life in order to experience and see what it is like. While the other parenting style tends to allow their teens to “wiggle” with testing out various styles/fashions/tastes in hopes that by doing so, they are experiencing the pros and cons of these decisions within the safe confines of parental security.

        Now … how can I confidently judge either one of those parenting styles as better than the other? I can’t. I shouldn’t. I won’t. If I do, I would then be sinning. Because at the end of the day if you walked into my home, you would have a huge list of things that you would think I could do better as I would as well with you. We all are trying our best and fail much. But when it comes down to it, rejoice that they are all present and accounted for on Sunday morning because what they are receiving is far more important then anything else. After all, none of us can say that we are without sin. We all have done something during Divine Service which distracted, irritated and frustrated our neighbor during the Service.

        To close, I hope that you are not offended by this. I just felt passionately about this issue (probably as much as you did). If I did offend, please let me know so that I may apologize.

    2. I agree with Tammy Haga that we will be distracted by the appearance and behavior of others in church. For example, heavy makeup and hair of an unnatural color are things I do not like to see; another pet peeve is undisciplined children. But the sin is mine when I dislike what I see and think ill of my brothers and sisters in Christ who present themselves in these unattractive ways. Much better to confess my sin and lovingly forgive what has offended me. The Divine Service is about hearing Law and Gospel, receiving forgivenss in Christ, and thereby being enabled to love rather than judge the sister and brother. It becomes important to back off from dictating how others should dress and behave. At the same time, when we know where God’s Word speaks to human appearance and behavior, we should lovingly teach and discuss accordingly, and learn something in the process.

  11. Your article is a bit much, darling. I’m not showing my “girl bits” (your term) to my Pastor but will continue to wear figure flattering clothes. Note: Figure flattering does not mean trashy or inappropriate. I don’t think my husband would be too happy if I changed my style either. I don’t care if other men are distracted by my figure. That would be THEIR problem. Not mine.

    Carole T. Schmidt

    1. Carole, I think that is actually Adriane’s point, that women SHOULD wear flattering clothes. Not baggy, unattractive, yet “modest” clothes, but attire that is beautiful, feminine, flattering and yet keeps the girl bits under wraps.

      We all know that looking trashy in church is inappropriate — that’s a given. To borrow a phrase, if the body part starts with a ‘B’, it shouldn’t be appearing in public. Adriane takes this a step further to say that modesty is definitely a must, but at the same time doesn’t mean we should walk around wearing tents, either. Sounds like you agree! Right?

      1. I take exception with her points in paragraphs 2 and 3 (the text prior to “the problem is exacerbated…”).

      2. Carole, I think you should read Luke 17:1-2 and 1 Corinthians 8:7-13, and then reconsider your statement “that would be THEIR problem, not mine.” We all bear responsibility for one another. We subordinate ourselves to one another out of reverence for Christ. This subordination is a fruit of the Holy Spirit (Eph 5:1-6:9). To deny this aspect of the church and the body of Christ is, in fact, to cut oneself off from the body of Christ.

      3. J., excellent point! It’s part of our Life Together, to borrow a phrase from the LCMS’ emphasis.

  12. I am very tall and my communicants kneel to receive Holy Communion. If not careful, I can see to Egypt looking down at/through some of these dresses. When I blindly place the host out toward a hand or mouth while looking up at the organ loft– there is your hint to get a shawl or something… please…

    As for breastfeeding in church– any necessity of same in our church has always been handled well and appropriately– thank you.

  13. You know, I’ve been a man in church many times. In fact, I’ve even been a man outside of church, but that’s not the issue. Anyway, even as a young man in church, I managed never to have too much trouble keeping my eyes from wandering. It didn’t matter what skimpy thing any of the women were wearing. Sure, I’d look around just about anywhere else I was, but something about an eight-foot stained glass Jesus keeps me from getting in that “mood.”

    Also, I think someone ought to say a word about your standards of “feminine.” How is it not “feminine” to be wearing a skirt? Can I, as a man, go to church wearing a skirt as long as it’s full-length and denim?

    Really, though, the issue is that you end up saying that women should shoot for modest, but it’s wrong to go too far, and be overly modest. Should women figure on some sort of “half-modest” when dressing for church, just modest enough to keep the leers to a minimum, but just pretty enough so that men will still look?

    1. I’m fairly certain the point Adriane was trying to make by bringing up over-sized sweaters and floor-length denim skirts is that modest does not have to equal frumpy or ugly. Yes, a woman could come to church looking like a lumberjack in flannel, jeans and an ugly sweater and would certainly be modest, but that’s neither feminine nor how most of us want to dress. Or one could come looking like a Fundamentalist with hair and a denim skirt down to her ankles, and although that is feminine, it is neither fashionable nor necessary. There is a happy, feminine, modest medium between street walker and lumberjack.

  14. I have a bit of an issue with your reference to nursing mothers, as well. There is a way to nurse in public and be discreet. I am a pastor’s wife, so when the next baby comes along (someday), I will not have the albility to leave the sanctuary and my son in the pew to go to the nursery and nurse my next child. A cover up can sometimes work, but after a certain age, they just pull it off of you. As Angela mentioned, it is possible to nurse discreetly. I definitely think we should always be mindful of others, but nursing is a natural part of life. It’s only since formula was pushed in the 50’s and 60’s that nursing became “taboo.” In fact, I often find that other women are more upset or thrown of by it then men. I used to go to choir and nurse my son during rehearsal (my husband was the choir director), with a blanket over him. I am fairly certain that almost no one knew I was doing except for one woman, who was very angry with me for nursing. I stopped out of respect, but I was no longer able to attend choir. I do know people who nurse and “let it all hang out”, but they’re generally doing that in a church.

    Otherwise, I completely agree that modesty is important, and that careful thought should be made in all situations with regard to the weaker brother (or sister). Whatever our mistakes, and whatever our motivations, Christ forgives us for them because he went to the cross in order to do that very thing.

  15. Well put…I have three daughters, and finding age-appropriate clothing for my oldest (currently 8) becomes more of a challenge each year. We are members of the LCMS campus congregation at the University of Iowa, so I get experience with the current trends. Your readers might also like this article by now-deaconess Elizabeth Ahlman, written during her senior year of undergraduate study. http://www.lwml.org/resources/quarterly/2005/s05/features/good_clothes_gone_s05.html
    I was privileged to be half of the “married couple” referenced in the article…I still remember talking to all those college ladies about dressing appropriately in church (and elsewhere). My biggest piece of advice..bend over in front of the mirror. If what you see should be kept private, invest in a camisole. Also, do not forget the power of the slip to make your clothes look better and ensure some modesty.
    The only thing in this post that makes me cringe a little is lumping nursing mothers in with immodest dressers. I’ve spent over seven years nursing in church, sitting in the front row. I generally don’t use a cover-up, because they scream “hello world, my boobs are flapping about under here!!” If you are wearing a modest shirt with a cami underneath then it is pretty easy to nurse without showing any skin or having anyone else know what you are doing. It beats drawing attention to yourself or having a baby yank a blanket off your bare chest (they tend to not like being covered up). I’ve never felt immodest nursing in church, and I feel like associating nursing with immodest dressing is a deterrent to breastfeeding. I would love to have the college students at my church know that nursing in church isn’t a big deal, you don’t have to flash the world. Come April you’ll find me once again modestly nursing in the first pew, sans-apron.

    1. “”My biggest piece of advice..bend over in front of the mirror. If what you see should be kept private, invest in a camisole. “”

      Well put, Adirane.

      And I would add, check out the back side too, honey. It’s pretty disturbing and terribly distracting (especially if your own teenage children are next to you), to catch a glimpse (or more) of some derriere cleavage while kneeling during service. Well, anytime really, but especially then.

  16. Hmm…. if I may ask, what is it about nursing moms that you are noticing *not* covered up? In my experience thus far, I’ve never seen a mom feed her baby indiscreetly in church. Are you suggesting this shouldn’t be done in church at all, or are you seeing a lack of attempt to be discreet?

  17. As a pastor, there is nothing more disconcerting than a woman kneeling to receive the Lord’s Supper and giving me a look down her low-cut shirt at ample cleavage. Thank you for your post.

    1. I am sorry Pastor, but that would be your sin then. As a woman whose figure has fluctuated often. A dress that was modest one month wasn’t so modest the next due to hormone shifts during pregnancy or weight gain. I have a limited supply of what I consider church clothes. While I try to be modest, I cannot keep cleavage perfectly covered at all times. While I thank God for shawls, they too are in limited supply in my wardrobe during the hot months.

      One Sunday I was told that because I took off my heels during service, I caused a distraction. Seriously???!! My feet were swollen, I needed relief.

      When it comes down to it. There is so much going on during the Service that is disconcerting … to focus on the women is just not right.

      If you have parishioners that seem to have a real problem in this area, then teach what reverence looks like in Sunday School.

      1. When one puts the temptation in front of someone, it’s very hard for one’s sinful nature not to bite.

        I would point you to the first clause of the sentence above.

  18. What I don’t understand, having come from a fundy background, is why this isn’t a given. It is a given in those types of churches. Why arent the parents teaching biblical modesty at home?

    oh, and i don’t agree with with floor length jean skirts not being feminine. Skirts are pretty much feminine by definition.

  19. Did you use the phrase “girl bits?” 🙂 That is funny. I think one of the problems is that woman still have a sense that they should dress up for church (unlike their neanderthal men). The problem is that most of our younger women/girls think that dressing up means dressing sexy. They do not know how to look nicer without looking trashier. It is sad. I think they think they are honoring God by dressing up and at the same time dishonoring him by offering the bodies he has given them to every eye.

    And while I appreciate your post a lot, I think the older women must set up to this task, teaching the younger ones what is good. Will they meet resistance? Yes. So. Do it anyway.

    Titus 2:3-5 Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.

  20. Good discussion. Now we need someone to write one from a male perspective… talking to those men who wear inappropriate clothing to church, including the teens who wear Megadeth shirts or ones with “Female Body Inspector” on them

    1. No we don’t. What is needed is the teaching of what Reverence looks like within the church. Singling out and point fingers at people is just wrong.

  21. Rev. Kumm your confirmation classes are blessed to have you. Who does that? Parents don’t even weigh in on these aspects of culture to their children.

  22. A! It’s like you took one of our 8 million conversations on this topic and increased its awesomeness.

    Totally agreed — and cute, modest clothes aren’t expensive or out of reach (otherwise I would be wearing frumpy sweaters, too.)

    Thanks for the post!

  23. Amen, Amen, and Amen!! What more can we be doing to help bring this issue to the attention of our sisters? I would love to see a joint proclamation of some sort, a petition perhaps, from the men in our church body, asking all women to be aware of what they are doing, that dressing immodestly is a sin, and that it can cause their brothers in Christ to sin. Maybe if women hear this from men it will cause some needed embarrassment and change of behavior.

    1. OK, Rebecca, I had to laugh 😉 Joint proclamation 😉

      Good post, Adriane. As always, thought provoking. I don’t remember ever nursing my children during the church service, not that I’m saying it’s being indiscreet, I just don’t remember… Maybe it was their schedule or something. I guess maybe I used pumped milk and put it in a bottle. It’s sad how the memory goes as we age … 😉

      Other than that, my 17-year-old daughter manages to dress quite pretty for church without being immodest. She doesn’t spend much on clothes because she’s a Good Will or Salvation Army shopper; otherwise, she finds things at wonderful prices.

  24. I appreciate your post….I make this same speech to my confirmation classes every year. Nice to hear it come from a woman. Thank you.

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