If there was a parental version of a war crimes trial, keeping copies of things your children wrote when they were young should number among the worst offenses. For the papers my mom has kept, she should be locked up for at least eleventy million years. Please consider the following example, and then tell me I’m wrong. Just tell me. I dare you.

“I wouldn’t like a twin because I have 2 sisters already. I don’t need any more to put up with. I wouldn’t like a twin because people couldn’t tell you apart. Besides, we don’t have room in our house for another person. I like having just 2 sisters.” – Me, age . . . too old to be writing this kind of nonsense

“If I was ruler, I would be good and fair. I would want two hundred dollars a year for being ruler. I would put Clinton back in Arkansas” (for the record, I spelled that correctly) “so I could be ruler. I would build homeless shelters so you wouldn’t hear about homeless people on the news. I would also want lots of horses to ride around town.” – Me, age . . . seriously, Mom? Why would you do this to me?

“Am I in a hurry to be grown up? No way, jose! When I grow up I will be about 30 years old. I don’t want to be grown up for a long time. Grown up means you have to do laundry.” – Me, age . . . well, at least my punctuation was decent.

Probably we should just pretend I was never here.

Actually, if anyone needs me, I’ll be exiting stage right to the sound of crickets. If anybody’s left, just go ahead and hit the lights.